Troubles: a trip down memory lane

I have been writing music reviews for different online publications for going-on five years now.
I write about twenty reviews a year, on average... which isn't a lot, but seeing as how I don't get paid for it, I do it because I enjoy music and I enjoy writing... so it's kind of the best of both worlds. With every year I probably write one or two reviews I'm really proud of - and every once in a while a bit of controversy is stirred up upon the publication of a review.
Case in point - my review for Seth Knappen's album "Leaving Sound". When I listened to this album I was bored and amazed at how much he was ripping off the sounds of John Vanderslice - so I wrote this review:
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Dear John Vanderslice,
Let me start by saying I am obviously a fan of all the music that you create. Being a songwriter myself, I have an ear for the creative and atmospheric textures you are able to layer within all of your songs. From the perfectly timed whirrs and buzzes of"Fiend in a Cloud", way back to the beautiful and heartfelt crooning of "My Old Flame". My hats off to you, sir, you are an inspiration.

The way you make a moody album flow is astounding. You can take a simple chord progression and use it to its fullest potential by layering genius sounds and fleshing out strong lyrics on top of all of it. You never (or rarely) create the feeling of any one particular mood - and that is my problem. You see, I've made an album consisting of 9 separate tracks, yet they all sound exactly the same (and to be honest, they're all a little boring).

I was able to work with a friend of mine, Mr. Alan Sparhawk of the band Low (name drop), which possibly added to the dull and somber feeling of everything, but I'm not trying to place blame. I hear you yourself are a bit of a perfectionist in the studio. Geez, if only I had that sort of patience. I have an overwhelming tendency to strum a guitar slowly and draw out one note on a keyboard for minutes at a time. With all that said, I suppose me whining in the most sad and pathetic way when I sing doesn't really help matters much ("Carrying You Through" for example).

I was in the band Darling for many years, which paved the way for my slow music tendencies. I've been around music for a long time and I love to create it, but I think I need a vacation. Maybe I just need to cheer up. Perhaps writing this letter will cheer me up, after all- you are someone I obviously get inspired by. Maybe this will be the start of a long, friendly relationship. Thank you for your time, I gotta go now, I'm gonna eat some Triscuit crackers and watch golf on television.

Write back soon.

Sincerely,
Seth
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The day after it published online, Seth Knappen himself wrote an email to my editor asking him to take it down. He said he was offended and the review confused his friends and family, asking him "why did you write a letter to John Vanderslice"...
Really?

My editor wrote him a hilarious email in response:

Hey Seth.

Uhm, first off I should preface this email by saying that no tone is
implied, that I take no offense to your email(s), and that hopefully we
can clear this up for everyone's understanding. Sorry for the slow reply,
but I was on a trip and didn't get your messages until Sunday evening. Look,
I know you're the center of the Universe and all, and I should have been
home all weekend checking my email, but alas- I was out of town. See, that
could be seen as rude unless I put one of those :) things in there! But it
wasn't rude, because email has no tone! Happy happy rar rar!

Okay, so first of all someone did indeed send us a press kit with your
album asking for it to be reviewed, so you might want to check on who is
representing you without your express written consent. We don't solicit
for press kits- they just magically appear from places we've never heard
of. So, that out of the way, we were indeed asked for our opinions on your
album. When we're sent a press kit the contents are ours to do with as we
please.
There is a clear statement on our website regarding this matter, and we
cannot be held responsible for those who do not read said statement.
Obviously, as we were sent a press kit, we are free to use your name,
the album cover, song titles, et cetera in our reviews. That should be
obvious.

Now on to the review. It's sarcasm and, quite frankly, anyone with half
a brain knows that IT IS A REVIEW and that it was written by Bob Ladewig,
a writer for LAS, a publication which was sent a copy of your album. I
mean I honestly, sincerely apologize if any of your fans, friends or family
have been upset thinking you'd actually written that letter to Mr.
Vanderslice, but if that is indeed the case you need to find some smarter people to
associate with.

So, after your initial howling email, I removed the link to your email
address (which was funny- admit it!) and your last name as a courtesy
to you. That's about as far as it goes. We are under no obligation to
accept unsolicited mail, no obligation to open said mail, no obligation to
listen to contents of said mail, and we're certainly under no obligation to
write a review. But we did all of that stuff with a package someone sent us
WITHOUT ASKING, as a courtesy, and now we're getting the third degree? Tisk, tisk.

Basically there are no rules once we open that press kit. Because if
there were rules, number one would read: Do not send us a packet of plastic
and paper asking for a review unless you really want a review. With all of
that out of the way, I'll consider this issue resolved unless you'd like our
legal council to send you a copy of the review policy which should have
been read before the press kit was sent out.

Now I'd like to take a moment to surmise that if the same style of
review had been written for a review which called your album "the true trump
to John Vanderslice" and went on to rave about it I'd most likely not be typing this email.
If you have any other questions, please let me know. Again, please keep in
mind that this email has no tone :) and that none should be implied.
Thanks for reading, and have a good week!

-> Eric J Herboth / Editor
PS- If you'd really like to name your next album "the lostatsea.net cd
that tells the public what these people really think about what theyre doing in their own words..... courtesy of seth knappen" that would be totally cool with us. We'd be honored (although we'd probably urge you to use an editor for grammur)!

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how silly.